jUsT.lEt.mE.faLL..........** ++

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

hey hey! i'm back blogging after a long hiatus, did anyone miss me? hee hee, now you can read more of my entries once more! cool huh?

i actually did have a reason to blog on today, after so many months of not doing so. i recently found myself feeling a sense of longing, of want, of need so deep inside my heart that i somehow have to get it off my chest. this feeling could be tied closely with my emotional self. when i was young, i found it difficult to forge ties with a stranger, to become friends. i have always thought this was because i was too old for my physical age; it was as though i could see a different world that my peers could not. then, i fell into my first crush when i was 18. hard to believe that time has passed by so quickly. crushes never last long-though sometimes they last a lifetime--but for me, that time sparked off an acknowledgement of my phsyical self, a growing and maturing that was unexpected and frightening. i played into expectations, venturing deeper into unchartered territory. and then i found my way out.

2 years have passed since that time. and finally i've made more friends than i could ever dream of having. i'm content in their exhuberence, but sometimes i just want to be alone with someone whom i can lean on. someone who knows when to comfort, and when to leave me alone to sort things out. someone who enjoys quiet nights and meaningful conversation. i seem to have high standards, don't i? but similarly, i set those same high standards for myself. i want to be someone whom another can lean on, be counted on to provide comfort, know when to retreat, to simply wallow in the presence of another. i want warm embraces, a hand to hold, deep faith and trust, and a love to last a lifetime and beyond. oh dear, is this why i'm so terribly picky about my future partner? i'm still too mentally old for my physical body it seems: i don't want simple dating; i want commitment. if you're too scared, bugger off!

but for now, i'll just bask in the love of my family, friends, and my Lord. And i'll wait. even if it takes forever.

Labels: emotional truth

simin blogged on 6:37 PM

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Sunday, September 02, 2007

Hi everyone... this will be an unexpected post. No, i'm not closing down the blog, so all you avid readers out there can heave a sigh of relief!! I had an experience just now that i just want to share with all of you, because it touched my heart.

Today was the Teacher's Day celebration for Children Ministry workers at church. Being a Sunday School Teacher, obviously I would be one of those counted. We all had to make our own headgear, and I didn't have time to come up with a design. So I brought along some colourful badges, some cute hair clips, and my hair extensions (bought some 3 years back but never opened and worn). Luckily there were some hats available, but i wanted to decorate it. So i stapled some false flowers onto the brim of the hat, and tied a string so that the hat would not fall off (my head was too small!). I then pulled out one of my hair extensions (pink and blond) and got one of the other teachers to affix it to my hair. Thus suitably decorated (in my opinion,of course), i proceeded to join in the festivities.

I wasn't expecting gifts this year, because I was just assigned to a new class, and the children have had barely enough time to get used to my presence in the class (as I'm strict with them). Still, I was surprised when one of the girls presented me with a teacher's day gift. Later on, I sat with my new class and helped them to make a card for their teachers (namely my friend and I!). It was great fun sticking stickers and decorating it, and the floor was suitably messy later on, covered with scraps of paper, colour pencils galore, and a big beautiful card. The children were so proud of their work, because even though we were guiding them, they had made it themselves. You should have seen the bright smiles on their faces; they didn't want to stop! :)

I guess what really touched me was when two children from my previous class came up to me and wished me a happy teacher's day, and even presented me with gifts!! I totally wasn't expecting that at all, and was so delirously happy that even though I wasn't teaching them anymore, they still remembered me. I got a handphone keychain of a pig, that when pressed, makes a kissing sound and declares, " I Love You!". It is just so adorable. I also received a blue towel, and a huge heart-shaped bookmark. It was remarkable: seeing the teachers in all their colourful hats, and the children enjoying themselves.

I know that tomorrow is going to be another long day, and next sunday I have to prepare lessons for my sunday school class. I will be exhausted being comprehension, maybe fall sick again, be swamped with readings, assignments, might have a crisis of some sort. I will have exams later on in the year; I have to lead worship for two consecutive days and might lose my voice. I have so many things to do, and so much clouds my mind. But for now, I'm just going to sit in my room, listen to the soothing music pour out from my latest CD, bask in the cool air after the rain, and just enjoy the peace.

While it lasts.

simin blogged on 3:40 PM

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Sunday, July 29, 2007

hey people, sorry that i haven't been posting anything online here for quite a while, just that work at the tuition centre has been hectic, and i'm learning how to handle kids! do you think i could be a future teacher? that future is still about 3 years away, so i've got some time to think about that yet.

i've been listening to many different genres of music recently. my tastes have apparently extended to metal!!! bought linkin park's new album, and was listening to it 2 nights ago. not too bad!!! although i still like my Within Temptation and Evanescence better. i like the latter's new song, "What Have You Done Now": it's a really cool song, asking you to reflect harshly on what have you been doing in your life so far. everytime i listen to it, i'm reminded that i must stop and reflect upon some points in my life. I also like their song, "The Solemn Hour": it reminds us that even in times of crisis, there is still a God up there that we can ask for for redemption. I also bought Hayley Westenra's new album, and there are several songs that i love: like "Let Me Lie", "Shendonoah", "Summer Fly" and "Abide With Me". Her songs are extremely peaceful and soothing to the spirit. I"m gonna post a few song lyrics up here, so that people can also enjoy the lyrics and maybe reflect upon them as well. Enjoy!

WITHIN TEMPTATION LYRICS

What Have You Done?[feat. Keith Caputo]

[Album Version]

Would you mind if I hurt you?
Understand that I need to
Wish that I had other choicesthan to harm the one I love

What have you done now?!

I know I’d better stop trying
You know that there’s no denying
I won’t show mercy on you now
I know, should stop believing
I know, there’s no retrieving
It’s over now, what have you done?
What have you done now?!

I, I’ve been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away...
ohWhy, why does fate make us suffer?
There’s a curse between us, between me and you

What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done now?!
What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done now?!

Would you mind if I killed you?
Would you mind if I tried to?
'cause you have turned into my worst enemy
You carry hate that I don’t feel
It’s over now
What have you done?

What have you done now?!

I, I’ve been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away...
ohWhat have you done now?!
Why, why does fate make us suffer?
There’s a curse between us, between me and you

What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done?! What have you done?!
What have you done now?!What have you done?!
What have you done?!What have you done?!
What have you done?!What have you done now?!
What have you done now, what have you done?...

I will not fall, won’t let it go
We will be free when it ends

I, I’ve been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away...
ohWhat have you done now?!
Why, why does fate make us suffer?
There’s a curse between us, between me and you

I, I’ve been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away
... ohWhat have you done now?!
Why, why does fate make us suffer
There’s a curse between us, between me and you

Our Solemn Hour

Sanctus Espiritus redeem us from our solemn hour
Sanctus Espiritus insanity is all around us

Sanctus Espiritus!
Sanctus Espiritus!
Sanctus Espiritus!

In my darkest hours I could not foresee
That the tide could turn so fast to this degree
Can’t believe my eyes
How can you be so blind?I
s the heart of stone, no empathy inside?
Time keeps on slipping away and we haven’t learned
So in the end now what have we gained?

Sanctus Espiritus, redeem us from our solemn hour
Sanctus Espiritus, insanity is all around us
Sanctus Espiritus, is this what we deserve,
can we break free from chains of never-ending agony?

Are they themselves to blame, the misery, the pain?
Didn’t we let go, allowed it, let it grow?
If we can’t restrain the beast which dwells inside
it will find it’s way somehow, somewhere in time
Will we remember all of the suffering
Cause if we fail it will be in vain

Sanctus Espiritus, redeem us from our solemn hour
Sanctus Espiritus, insanity is all around us
Sanctus Espiritus, is this what we deserve,can we break free from chains of never-ending agony?

HAYLEY WESTENRA LYRICS

Summer Fly

In another younger day I could dream the time away
In the universe inside my room
And the world was really mine from June to September
And if it wasn't really so I was lucky not to know
And I was lucky not to wonder why
'cause summertime is all that I remember

A summer fly was buzzin' every night when I was young
In the gentle world my childlike senses knew
And the world was just my cousin
And the wind was just the tongue
In the voice my lonely moments listened to

And I look at me today all the dreams have gone away
And I'm where I never thought I'd be
Seein' things I never thought I'd see happen to me
And I lie awake at night till the darkness goes to light
Hearin' voices callin' out my nameDronin' over and again the same message to me

Cryin' who's your partner,
who's your darlin', who's your baby now?
Who wakes up at night to pull you in
It don't matter, you just make her lonely anyhow
Don't know why you even try to win

simin blogged on 12:06 AM

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Monday, May 21, 2007

yo! i told you people that i would update right? although it seems now like there is no one reading my blog, but that is ok, i'll wait for my friends to remember that this blof actually exists..... reminder to you people to read my blog!!!!

anyway, this posting is going to be rather short, because frankly i don't have much to blog about at the moment. choir's started up again, and its great to finally have something to do other than sit at home and stare at my computer screen all day long. so i get to join my friends to learn and sing for 5 hours a week: it's short, but hey, at least it keeps me occupied. church is getting busier, with me taking on the main role in the drama for the next 3 weeks, and doing worship leading as well next week. it's going to be a lot of stuff to remember, but i'll do my best! job hunting was rather interesting, and i met a lot of interesting people, but i still don't have a job at the moment. sigh... can anybody recommend me a job before school starts? otherwise next time i'll just hook up with my old childcare principal before i start holidays and see if she needs another teacher or administrator. i actually turned down quite a number of jobs in the 2-3 weeks i was job hunting, because i believed that the job was not right for me. i can do sales and marketing, but it is not something that i see myself doing. i find that a lot of companies give their employees high-sounding titles, but when it comes down to it, the name is nothing but bluster. you have higher-ranking, but you're still doing the same job as a sales/marketing agent. never take for granted what u hear as fact! this is the lesson that i've learnt from all my job interviews so far.

my last 2 posts have left you with song lyrics from some of my favourite songs. i think this time i shall not do that, but leave you in peace tonight, without having to think too deep about stuff. i think although im currently aimless, but im happy. and that should be enough. good night everyone.

simin blogged on 8:38 AM

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Tuesday, April 24, 2007

hey people! it's the first time in a long time since i last updated this blog, as i've been swamped with essays and preparing for my exams. as a matter of fact, i do have a paper this afternoon in about 4 hours, but i still want to update a little anyway.
so many things have happened here in just a short semester at uni. i've made closer friends, made new ones, learnt so many new things and generally have lightened up a little. i've also discovered new potential relationships (quite a few actually) and it's enough to make a girl step back and say "whoa there!". at this point in typing i find myself at a loss as to how to continue, because the words simply won't come. it seems as though i find myself more morbid and dark as time goes by. 'I will show you fear in a handful of dust'. what a nice way to put it, is it not? i find myself darkly amused by it. i hope people liked the last entry, where i put up song lyrics to the song ' The Wild Rose'. i really like that song, and i watch the music video, which was, i must say, really creepy and a little scary.
but my current favourite song is 'To Sleep on Angels' Wings', its a piano piece by Kevin Kern, and it brings to mind peace and serenity, things which i dearly need now that im in the middle of my exams. thank God that i will finish my exams by the end of this week and then it's the holidays! i wonder if i should apply for the UCLA summer program, it would be 6 weeks of study in LA, and it does sound really exciting. problem is that no one i know would go, because of the cost: about S$9,000. not cheap at all! i need to truly consider this...
okies, i'll end off this post by wishing all those in uni good luck with their exams! and of course, a song lyric: 'In the Arms of An Angel', the version by Sarah Mclachlan and Josh Groban.

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an Angel fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of an Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

You're in the arms of an Angel;
May you find some comfort here

simin blogged on 1:03 PM

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Tuesday, February 27, 2007

They call me The Wild Rose
But my name was Elisa Day
Why they call me it I do not know
For my name was Elisa Day

From the first day I saw her I knew she was the one
She stared in my eyes and smiled
For her lips were the colour of the roses
That grew down the river, all bloody and wild
When he knocked on my door and entered the room
My trembling subsided in his sure embrace
He would be my first man, and with a careful hand
He wiped at the tears that ran down my face

[Chorus]

On the second day I brought her a flower
She was more beautiful than any woman I'd seen
I said, "Do you know where the wild roses growS
o sweet and scarlet and free?"
On the second day he came with a single red roseS
aid: "Will you give me your loss and your sorrow"
I nodded my head, as I lay on the bed
He said, "If I show you the roses, will you follow?"
[Chorus]

On the third day he took me to the river
He showed me the roses and we kissed
And the last thing I heard was a muttered word
As he knelt (stood smiling) above me with a rock in his fist
On the last day I took her where the wild roses grow
And she lay on the bank, the wind light as a thief
And I kissed her goodbye, said, "All beauty must die"
And lent down and planted a rose between her teeth

[Chorus]

What is beauty but fragile?
What is life but mortal?
Lie in bed and rest
Will you wake up again
Close my eyes forever
NO!
I will rise again
I will rise again
I will rise again

simin blogged on 9:28 PM

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Thursday, January 11, 2007

hey... was just reading William Blake for one of my university classes today. it suddenly struck me: how strange it is that i chose to study Literature as my major, instead of something that could be a little more practical. Literature is a part of the humanities and social science, and its practical uses are broad and far-reaching. In terms of economics, it wouldn't be very useful, but i guess it would be useful in the social sense.
It's just funny to me, because when I was 15 and trying to decide whether i should study pure geography or pure literature, i chose the latter reasons, that until today i do not know. Whether it is because I'm a more sensitive soul or because i simply didn't want to study more about rivers, i still chose literature. it did pay off because i ended up with an 'A' for my O levels in literature. now, 4 years later, i look back upon those days that seem so long ago. was i ever that young and insecure about my future, about where i belonged? people often marvel at my insanity at rejecting NUS FASS for NTU HSS. am I insane? did i make the right choice? i still think i did.
it was certainly startling to hear a government minister say that English Literature has little future in Singapore. this may be simply paraphrased, but it fills me with a sense of unease and outrage. how can this be? my course-mates and i go against all sense and proper direction and we choose to study a course that we love. Listening to the dialogue session yesterday, i was sad to hear that we could be sidelined from the new economy, because our skills have no particular economic value. analysing documents will not get one very far in this world. is there going to be a place for me? where do i belong? or i am going to be just pushed to the more societal side, not regarded as particularly important? this is the time to raise awareness about Literature. to let people know that our skills are just as valuable as those of the engineers, the mathematicians, the business people. to let them know, that we are the ones presenting the face of the country to the world, through our writings and thoughts. can a Singaporean win the nobel prize for Literature in the next 10 years? i don't know. but what i do know, is that Singapore Literature and culture is growing, and one day, we will reach that goal. meanwhile, i'll just stick with my plans to go into the civil service, shall i?
At night, i can hear the rain fall outside my hostel room window. rain always makes me feel nostalgic and brings an element of loneliness along with it. it's as though i envision myself walking in the rain, getting soaked through to my skin, and im dancing and laughing like a little child. but then, suddenly, it dawns on me that there is no one to share that innocent joy of dancing in the rain with me. this afternoon i walked in the rain back to my hostel room after lessons alone. i so much wanted to fling off my hoodie and just walk in rain. just wallow in the experience of being soaked through to the skin and enjoying it. but there was no one around to share it with me. everyone was hurrying by, and no one stopped to wonder at the rain, to marvel in it.
where are you, special someone? who will enjoy such simple pleasures with me? i don't ask for much: just walks on the beach at sunset, good conversation, someone who won't let me boss them around all the time, and who tells me when i'm being an ass. someone who takes religion and family seriously. someone who will always be with me. are you out there? well, until you appear, my mysterious special someone, i'll walk with my Lord Jesus. then the three of us will play in the rain together. and we'll always be together. always.

Wonder is a pause of reason...
the effect of novelty upon ignorance
-- Samuel Johnson

simin blogged on 8:57 AM

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