wow, hey, block test is over!! yay!!! but despite all my exclamation marks, i wonder why i dun feel more happy, but just simply feel drained out and exhausted. i feel as though i've been walking through a bog or something, like i'm chained to the ground. like im not as carefree and happy as i used to be. maybe im just having mood swings, like any other normal girl. or maybe its just me.
block test was all right, i guess. econs a little easier than expected; the papers were do-able, now to see if i can pass or not. i guess the thing that is worrying me is that i ran away from my responsibilities. if any of the SNJB happen to come across my blog and read this entry, then i want to apologise here first. there are a lot of reasons why i decided to run away, and most of them are personal, so i won't go into them. what makes me feel really guilty is that i was a leader, yet i chose to run away from my responsibilites instead of sitting it out and trying to make the best of it as i always have.
for many years i was the odd-one out in SNJB, or at least i felt that way. no one my age to mix with, so have to mix with those younger and older than me. a person wants to feel valued to feel that he or she has some worth; he or she needs her skill or talent to be recognised. i guess after many years, i got sick of hiding behind my mask, putting on a smiling face and cheerful grin all the time, when at times i really felt like shit. maybe im just being oversensitive(being a lit student does that to you sometime), but i always felt that i was unimportant, that i was not needed anymore. i tried to seek out God, but i was not getting the spiritual food i craved, the solace, the comfort. i tried to seek out new avenues to prove myself, but maybe im really an odd-ball, because i never seemed to make it no matter what.
i guess by now my post has probably gone to Sing Ying; and trust me, i think she'll be better than i was. i never really had a chance of proving myself, and i suppose i never will again, but i think i've wised up and grown a little older. i may have run, but at least i've gotten what i need, at least i feel happier once again. actually, it doesn't matter what church you go to; as long as you find God, that's the one thing you're really looking for. i've found Him again, and im not letting go. not this time. i understand perfectly if you all hate me, if you are angry with me. i think about you guys sometimes; wonder how you're doing. but no, i dun think i'll ever return again. i may have wounded some people with this entry, but every word comes from my heart nonetheless.
but i thank SNJB for opening my eyes to God, and learning how to understand the faith and walk with God. my path has lead me away, and its my own path i have to carve now. goodbye, take care, and God Bless You.