jUsT.lEt.mE.faLL..........** ++

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

wow, hey, block test is over!! yay!!! but despite all my exclamation marks, i wonder why i dun feel more happy, but just simply feel drained out and exhausted. i feel as though i've been walking through a bog or something, like i'm chained to the ground. like im not as carefree and happy as i used to be. maybe im just having mood swings, like any other normal girl. or maybe its just me.
block test was all right, i guess. econs a little easier than expected; the papers were do-able, now to see if i can pass or not. i guess the thing that is worrying me is that i ran away from my responsibilities. if any of the SNJB happen to come across my blog and read this entry, then i want to apologise here first. there are a lot of reasons why i decided to run away, and most of them are personal, so i won't go into them. what makes me feel really guilty is that i was a leader, yet i chose to run away from my responsibilites instead of sitting it out and trying to make the best of it as i always have.
for many years i was the odd-one out in SNJB, or at least i felt that way. no one my age to mix with, so have to mix with those younger and older than me. a person wants to feel valued to feel that he or she has some worth; he or she needs her skill or talent to be recognised. i guess after many years, i got sick of hiding behind my mask, putting on a smiling face and cheerful grin all the time, when at times i really felt like shit. maybe im just being oversensitive(being a lit student does that to you sometime), but i always felt that i was unimportant, that i was not needed anymore. i tried to seek out God, but i was not getting the spiritual food i craved, the solace, the comfort. i tried to seek out new avenues to prove myself, but maybe im really an odd-ball, because i never seemed to make it no matter what.
i guess by now my post has probably gone to Sing Ying; and trust me, i think she'll be better than i was. i never really had a chance of proving myself, and i suppose i never will again, but i think i've wised up and grown a little older. i may have run, but at least i've gotten what i need, at least i feel happier once again. actually, it doesn't matter what church you go to; as long as you find God, that's the one thing you're really looking for. i've found Him again, and im not letting go. not this time. i understand perfectly if you all hate me, if you are angry with me. i think about you guys sometimes; wonder how you're doing. but no, i dun think i'll ever return again. i may have wounded some people with this entry, but every word comes from my heart nonetheless.
but i thank SNJB for opening my eyes to God, and learning how to understand the faith and walk with God. my path has lead me away, and its my own path i have to carve now. goodbye, take care, and God Bless You.

simin blogged on 12:50 PM

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Tuesday, March 08, 2005

My Truth Diary:
this is where all my emotions and feelings will be poured out. this is where i don't dare to be afraid to speak my mind about people, about events in my life. i've always shyed away from this pouring out of emotion, but i think its time i plucked up my courage to say what i've always wanted to say. so here goes:
i read your blog entry on 21 February, and i was stunned by the emotions that practically flowed off the words. could this be real? i've thought over the words for the past few days, and have now decided to reply to this particular entry to whom this particular person is directed. quite similarly, i left secondary school, sad and depressed. i felt like i was all alone in the world. unlike you, i did not go to work, but i stayed at home, trying my best to pick up some foreign languages, and trying not to worry about my o level results. it can get quite bad when you're at home by yourself for 3 months, with nothing much to do, because your mind is occupied with nothing.
when i finally got my results, i was filled with joy, because i finally felt like i achieved something. but now i had to make my choice as to where to go. even after i made my choice, i was still indecisive and nervous; what if i had made the wrong choice? what if JC wasn't the right place for me to be? i had never been in a co-ed school before, and i was really nervous at the idea. but i stick by my choices, and so i entered JC on that morning, feeling small and completely awed, yet excited and nervous at the journey ahead of me.
i arrived on time, as i always had done before, found my OG, and sat down. i was one of the first few in the hall, and sitting alone with 2 strangers did not really appeal to me. i stared off into space for a few moments. then i became aware that there was someone sitting next to me. my heart beat a little faster. would i make my first friend, or would i make a total muck of it, and prove myself to be a social klutz? i turned around with a smile on my face, and came face to face with you. i introduced myself, and so did you. somehow or other, we ended up chatting, and my fear and nervousness simply melted away. as orientation progressed, i realised i had found myself a good friend. i agonised over my subject combinations; i knew that we would quite likely be in different classes, since i wasn't prepared to give up literature for geography(which is a subject that really muddles me up), but i was afraid that we would end up in vastly different classes. this would mean that we wouldn't see each other so often anymore, and i really didn't want to lose this precious friend of mine.
well, we were put into different classes, but our combinations were so close that we saw each other a lot of times, and we constantly kept in contact via msn, sms, talking.... etc. people began to say that we were most likely going to end up together. my convent girl mentality came back, and i laughed off the idea at the time. then one day, felicia mentioned it again, and again i laughed it off, but suddenly this thought appeared in my mind, " is it possible? could this really come true?" the seeds were planted in my mind. but we still continued to be good friends.
i found myself watching out for you often in our common classes. whenever something happened to me, you were the first one that i would run to, no matter happy or sad. you scolded me over the number of times i sprained my ankle, the uncountable times that i bumped into walls or managed to get bruises. you never hesitated to help me over my econs whenever i had problems, and i helped you in return with your lit. you scolded me over the amount of coffee i drank. we had aimless conversations over msn, talking about silly things such as the moon, stars, sky; we discussed philisophy; we 'argued' over bunnies hopping around; we competed to see who could write the poetry most guaranteed to send one to sleep. silly things really, but i treasured every moment. you know how to make me laugh, and it makes me happy in return when i can make you laugh.
you popped the question on valentine's day. that day, i told you to take it slow. i'm not ready for this type of committment, because i'm scared. that's a truth. i don't dare to step out of the comfort zone of friendship at this moment in time. i'm afraid that i will not be a good girlfriend; that i will be unable to measure up. maybe its because i'm used to being looked down upon, but there are times when i'm so insecure. i don't know if you feel this way. but at least you're braver than me.
so i'm not ready yet. but someday, i will be. i don't expect you to always wait there for me, because time changes people. but i want you to know that no matter what happens, you will always have a place in my heart. I love you.
-angel-
ps. interpret this entry in whatever fashion you will. but i'm glad i finally said all this out. i never expected to find someone who would want me for me, but i'm glad i did. thank you.
* Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

simin blogged on 9:42 PM

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Friday, March 04, 2005

ok, pple, im updating finally after a very long time. my deepest apologies to those who have waited eagerly for my new posting, and end up quite disappointed after visits and no updates... haha... but still apologise for not posting until now
i dun really haf much to write about nowadays.... oh yeah, i went for my first blood donation! it was a damn cool experience. it didn't hurt much at all, only when they injected the anthestic then it was painful. after tt, the whole arm juz completely went numb, n when they inserted the thing to draw out the blood, it didn't hurt a bit! but i did come away wif a sovenier: a quite nasty bruise around the injection area. not the fault of e nurse, my fault for having fragile veins, as e nurse put it.
choir's been really bz lately, what wif SYF, CIP, lunchtime concert... we have a rather hectic schedule, but im enjoying every minute of it. wouldn't miss it for e world. singing is one of my greatest passions in life. im feeling irritated with the redpill banner at the moment. i spent 2 hours sewing one side finish, den i realise that i've been sewing it inside out! i have no guideline on the inside, so i sew on the outside, n it looks really ugly. no choice, have to unpick everything and resew again!! leaving it till tml... maybe my mum will help me sew, she's better at it than i am....
its hard to believe that term 1 is almost over already.... soon we'll all be sitting for our block tests, den our mid-yrs, den prelims, den A levels. then we'll be saying our good byes, and heading our seperate ways out into the world. its a frightening thought. everytime i think of leaving e sch, i get this sense of loss and of fear. the school represents security and safety from the world, and when we graduate, there's no longer a safety net around us. tt protective shelter is gone, n e girls esp r thrust early into e workking world out there. it makes me wonder what i can do to survive...
ok, enough of depressing thoughts abt e future! im still reasonably a happy person who tends to go crazy when high on caffiene, so i've been banned from drinking more than 2 cans a day :'( but its kinda for my own gd lah.... or else i'll be driving everyone one else crazy when i bounce off the walls! oh, im proud of myself: haven't bumped into any walls this week! this is a new record! unless you count me pricking my finger with the needle 4 hours earlier....
yay, this is one of my longest entries ever! end off now, b4 this turns into a full length novel...

My God would give a sunshine after rain....

simin blogged on 11:13 PM

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