ok, haven't updated for some time now, so now taking this little chance to do a quick update on my life.. nothing much happening, expect for lots and lots of exams coming up. tcp suddenly decides to give us 3 tutorials to do in one weekend, so yeah, there is the pressure. then i suddenly remember that there is a econs essay that needs to be handed up on monday, so yeah, must hurry and do it within the 45 min time limit. somehow i never managed to finish within the time limit, so must work on my time management.
i don't know why, but somehow im still unable to get to bed before 1am. must try and do something about that, or else i'll be drinking coffee the rest of my days. must also try to mail ka ying's birthday present to her asap, im already like more than a week late. if worse come to worse, i suppose i could simply mail it to her after a levels, saying it is a very very very belated birthday present, and please not to hold it against me, but also count it as an additional christmas present. that does sound like a good idea...
ok pple, i know you don't really want to listen to my insane ramblings at 1am in the morning, which is curretnly what im doing now. frankly speaking, i've completely no idea of what im trying to say, just letting my fingers do the talking for me. since my mind is basically quite quite blank at the moment. this means bed. nite!
simin blogged on 1:13 AM
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my truth diary entry 16:
well, its not exactly been a fantastic week for me... exams, exams, exams galore. i feel buffetted by a wind that is insistent upon pulling me in so many different directions. maybe im just being my usual insecure self, and trying out a dosage of self-comfort when i feel down. i feel bitter, sweet, sour all at once. its a wonder that im still nice to anybody. i still have that horrible tendency to cling on to something when im feeling insecure. soft toys are a comfort yes, but i think i mostly cling on to comfort for comfort. i wonder if that made any sense, or did i just lose my dear readers? sometimes im so frustrated i just want to scream and scream and scream, but i don't. sometimes im so happy that i just want to laugh and laugh and laugh, but i don't. i wonder at the things i do, and i wonder why anyone still loves this oddball of a girl. im insane 1/2 of the time, think differently from others. i never really grew up like a proper girl, liking makeup and dolls and all that. by the time i was 4, i was reading a dictionary. when i was 6, i finished every book in the kindergarten. when i was primary 2 and in a childcare centre, i spent my afternoons reading when i was supposed to finish up my spelling corrections. is it a wonder then that im an oddball? a social klutz? a techno idiot? is it then such a wonder that i hunger for love? maybe that's why i have such a fascination with poetry, because it speaks to my soul. maybe that is why when im bored, i like to write poetry. my thoughts are always wistful. i always feel that i grow up a bit too late for my age. its as though my thoughts never quite catch up with my physical growth on time. yet at the same time, i feel like an adult woman stuck in a child's body. and im confused. maybe that's why, dear terry, maybe that's why im so afraid to enter into a relationship. people say girls are notoriously inconstant. its so easy to see why this is true. i hunger for companionship, for love, yet i shy away from it when it comes to me. sometimes i feel like a shadow, slipping in and out, yet im a child of the sun. curious, isn't it? i wonder why you want me. i wonder why you want to stick around with me. yet i thank you from the bottom of my heart that you stay with me, because otherwise i'll be alone, and probably have suicidal thoughts again. do you see that every word is from my soul? can you look pass the mask of the bouncy girl and see the real me? few people ever do, and im so glad, dear terry, that you're one of the few who try to. i play with so many different masks, so many, that sometimes i dont' know whether im actually wearing a mask or not. but at least know this; at the point of writing this entry, im wearing no mask. its just me. pure me. i don't know what possessed me to write this entry, maybe it was the fact that my bloglinks seem to be down, and i can barely link to someone else's blog. it may have been the spark that set me off. my coccoon is warm, yet stifling. it is horribly disconcerting to find no direction, and i can feel the darkness in my soul contrasting with the light. ha. now i sound so melodramatic. so dear terry, you don't have to reply to this entry. im not even sure if you will stumble upon it. im terribly confused at the moment, but even through this confusion, im so glad, that you're here with me. all my love.-angel-
simin blogged on 9:18 PM
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