my truth diary entry 16: well, its not exactly been a fantastic week for me... exams, exams, exams galore. i feel buffetted by a wind that is insistent upon pulling me in so many different directions. maybe im just being my usual insecure self, and trying out a dosage of self-comfort when i feel down. i feel bitter, sweet, sour all at once. its a wonder that im still nice to anybody. i still have that horrible tendency to cling on to something when im feeling insecure. soft toys are a comfort yes, but i think i mostly cling on to comfort for comfort. i wonder if that made any sense, or did i just lose my dear readers? sometimes im so frustrated i just want to scream and scream and scream, but i don't. sometimes im so happy that i just want to laugh and laugh and laugh, but i don't. i wonder at the things i do, and i wonder why anyone still loves this oddball of a girl. im insane 1/2 of the time, think differently from others. i never really grew up like a proper girl, liking makeup and dolls and all that. by the time i was 4, i was reading a dictionary. when i was 6, i finished every book in the kindergarten. when i was primary 2 and in a childcare centre, i spent my afternoons reading when i was supposed to finish up my spelling corrections. is it a wonder then that im an oddball? a social klutz? a techno idiot? is it then such a wonder that i hunger for love? maybe that's why i have such a fascination with poetry, because it speaks to my soul. maybe that is why when im bored, i like to write poetry. my thoughts are always wistful. i always feel that i grow up a bit too late for my age. its as though my thoughts never quite catch up with my physical growth on time. yet at the same time, i feel like an adult woman stuck in a child's body. and im confused. maybe that's why, dear terry, maybe that's why im so afraid to enter into a relationship. people say girls are notoriously inconstant. its so easy to see why this is true. i hunger for companionship, for love, yet i shy away from it when it comes to me. sometimes i feel like a shadow, slipping in and out, yet im a child of the sun. curious, isn't it? i wonder why you want me. i wonder why you want to stick around with me. yet i thank you from the bottom of my heart that you stay with me, because otherwise i'll be alone, and probably have suicidal thoughts again. do you see that every word is from my soul? can you look pass the mask of the bouncy girl and see the real me? few people ever do, and im so glad, dear terry, that you're one of the few who try to. i play with so many different masks, so many, that sometimes i dont' know whether im actually wearing a mask or not. but at least know this; at the point of writing this entry, im wearing no mask. its just me. pure me. i don't know what possessed me to write this entry, maybe it was the fact that my bloglinks seem to be down, and i can barely link to someone else's blog. it may have been the spark that set me off. my coccoon is warm, yet stifling. it is horribly disconcerting to find no direction, and i can feel the darkness in my soul contrasting with the light. ha. now i sound so melodramatic. so dear terry, you don't have to reply to this entry. im not even sure if you will stumble upon it. im terribly confused at the moment, but even through this confusion, im so glad, that you're here with me. all my love. -angel-
simin blogged on 9:18 PM
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---Tagboard---
let me fall
let me climb
there's a moment when fear
and dream must collide
